Struggling to address an issue with a colleague? Try this.

So many of us avoid having the most important conversations with our colleagues, friends and even family for that matter. I am talking about conversations that address potentially emotional issues. Conversations that, when broached early on, create a culture of learning and growth where people share what’s on their mind, listen to other perspectives and together create a thriving workplace.

Instead we skirt around the issue or make oblique statements that no-one understands or wait until the issue escalates so much that we lose our cool and take it out on the wrong person entirely.

So what’s wrong with us? What are we scared of? Personally, I used to avoid these conversations as I was fearful of ruining the relationship. I am very good at playing worst case scenario. Others tell me they are concerned about offending the other party, or having to deal with conflicting opinions or, quelle horreur, we may even receive some uncomfortable feedback in return. We make up all these crazy scenarios in our head and instead of taking smart action and addressing the situation with the person concerned we engage in corridor conversations or talk endlessly about what we should do while the situation worsens.

Here’s a technique to help you get started – opening statements.

Start by considering your intention. What is the greater purpose or desired outcome for addressing the matter in the first place? What is the best thing that could happen?

Is it about creating a better working environment? Is it about strengthening your relationship? Or improving effectiveness. When you are clear on the why behind the what you are ready to craft your opening statement.

Opening statements work to make the conversation safe for both parties. They set a higher purpose and work to remove a sense of judgement or conflict.

For example

I have something I’d like to talk to you about that I think will help us work together more effectively….”

“I’d like to talk to you about what happened yesterday at the client meeting. I’m interested to get your perspective and work out how we can ensure a better result next time”

“I think we may have different perceptions about……. I’d like to get your thoughts on…….and share my own thinking….”

Now you have set up the opportunity for a productive discussion. If you notice the other party becoming defensive during the discussion it is likely they feel unfairly criticised (look out for my next post on using the AID model to prepare feedback) or your intention is to punish them in some way. They may go completely silent or become rude or sarcastic.

Come back to your purpose and use an open question to encourage dialogue. Eg “My intention is to establish team guidelines that will ensure we deliver exceptional work on this client whilst creating a collaborative work environment for us all, how do you feel about that”

If you missed my earlier post 6 questions to ask yourself before giving critical feedback take a few minutes to read it now, it will help you establish your purpose.

If you would like to schedule some coaching to help you address a sepcific issue please get in touch.